I am writing this letter to the American people to let each and every one of you know how much your contributions and sacrifices have meant to global peace efforts. Your sons and daughters have provided the cannon fodder, er, ammunition needed to wage nonviolent campaigns in volatile regions for the past thirteen years, without pause. Thanks to you, the U.S. military is the Cal Ripken, Jr. of the nominally free world. As your Commander-In-Chief, I have steadfastly resolved never to forge alliances with countries that are guilty of gross human rights violations in order to achieve our ambiguously stated objectives. While some of the Coalition of the Willing 2.0 may have a checkered past, at least none of their citizens have been churlish enough to launch unguided rockets at their thermonuclear benefactors. It is my fervent desire that the United States continue to be seen as a beacon for democracy or capitalism, whichever comes first. While other lesser countries might have fabricated enemies in order to justify bottomless war profiteering, that is a road this nation will never meander down. As the first biracial President, you can rest assured that I would never tap into the deeply racist underpinnings of American society to target black, brown and Muslim populations across the globe, lest our aims be viewed as subservient to America’s beautiful people. In conclusion, if you have a problem and if no one else can help and if you can find them, maybe you can hire…The Xe Team.
Signed, sealed and delivered,